A Deadly Sport
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I have found the new sport for America.
A sport that involves violent and primitive human emotions. A sport featuring legendary feats of strength that mere mortals can only dream of. A sport where powerful warriors from across the globe challenge each other to deadly tournaments and competitions for large cash prizes.
A sport that involves an activity as pleasurable as sex, yet at the same time has killed dozens. A deadly, sadistic sport that leaves many of its once-proud champions as hollow wrecks in a howling, furious, storm.
I am of course talking about professional food eating, and the mighty "food fighters" associated with it.
As with most martial arts, the greatest masters can be found in Japan.
The undisputed champion of the sport is 26-year old Takeru Kobayashi of Japan.
Kobayashi has triumphed four years straight at the July 4 hot-dog contest in New York City, this year breaking his previous record by swallowing 53 and a half frankfurters.
Weighing only 60 kilograms (132 pounds), Kobayashi has astonished gluttons more inclined to binge-eating. Kobayashi also holds records for eating cow brains -- eight kilos (17.7 pounds) in 15 minutes -- and traditional Japanese rice balls at nine kilos (20 pounds) in half an hour.
As David Baer from the International Federation of Competitive Eating said, "Kobayashi is, without a doubt, the greatest eater ever to live upon planet Earth."
Competitive food-eating evolved from primitive human society, where mighty male warriors would match their eating powers against each other in an incredible battle for hierarchy, women, and control over the weak commoners.
The winners were celebrated as gods, become great men, and ruled the pathetic masses as Leviathans. Those who lost were crushed and destroyed, becoming insignificant shadows in the world of men.
All too frequently, the loser would also have his stomach explode or choke to death.
Yet, such were the high stakes in the deadly world of ancient food-eating battles.
Therefore, it was necessary for any prospective warrior to learn the arcane and skillful art of eating just as much as horse-riding and swordplay.
Even in these weak modern times, where so many other martial arts have become diluted and their occult teachings lost, where the instruction is so lax and forgiving, there are still times when aspiring food fighters must pay the ultimate price.
A 14-year-old junior high school student in Japan choked to death in 2002 trying to imitate competitive eating during school lunch, no doubt trying to emulate his great hero Kobayashi, yet falling pitifully short.
On November 6, a 38-year-old woman choked to death after gorging on bread and barley noodles at a local fall festival.
Make way football, basketball, and baseball!! You so-called "athletes" practice stupid stunts that are of no use in the real world, have no firm basis in reality.
You have never calmly stared death in the face, certainly not in the form of 50+ frankfurters or hamburgers.
You don’t know what it feels to taunt death, make a mockery of it, and then, eat it.
(Nice, large boogers)
Badlands Booker - Hungry & Focused
"Top-ranked gurgitator Bandlands Booker has released Hungry & Focused, the first-ever rap album about competitive eating. Hungry & Focused features the hottest tracks on the circuit, including Ballad of Badlands, Sweet Science and All Day Buffet. Hoo-Ahhh!"
A sport that involves violent and primitive human emotions. A sport featuring legendary feats of strength that mere mortals can only dream of. A sport where powerful warriors from across the globe challenge each other to deadly tournaments and competitions for large cash prizes.
A sport that involves an activity as pleasurable as sex, yet at the same time has killed dozens. A deadly, sadistic sport that leaves many of its once-proud champions as hollow wrecks in a howling, furious, storm.
I am of course talking about professional food eating, and the mighty "food fighters" associated with it.
As with most martial arts, the greatest masters can be found in Japan.
The undisputed champion of the sport is 26-year old Takeru Kobayashi of Japan.
Kobayashi has triumphed four years straight at the July 4 hot-dog contest in New York City, this year breaking his previous record by swallowing 53 and a half frankfurters.
Weighing only 60 kilograms (132 pounds), Kobayashi has astonished gluttons more inclined to binge-eating. Kobayashi also holds records for eating cow brains -- eight kilos (17.7 pounds) in 15 minutes -- and traditional Japanese rice balls at nine kilos (20 pounds) in half an hour.
As David Baer from the International Federation of Competitive Eating said, "Kobayashi is, without a doubt, the greatest eater ever to live upon planet Earth."
Competitive food-eating evolved from primitive human society, where mighty male warriors would match their eating powers against each other in an incredible battle for hierarchy, women, and control over the weak commoners.
The winners were celebrated as gods, become great men, and ruled the pathetic masses as Leviathans. Those who lost were crushed and destroyed, becoming insignificant shadows in the world of men.
All too frequently, the loser would also have his stomach explode or choke to death.
Yet, such were the high stakes in the deadly world of ancient food-eating battles.
Therefore, it was necessary for any prospective warrior to learn the arcane and skillful art of eating just as much as horse-riding and swordplay.
Even in these weak modern times, where so many other martial arts have become diluted and their occult teachings lost, where the instruction is so lax and forgiving, there are still times when aspiring food fighters must pay the ultimate price.
A 14-year-old junior high school student in Japan choked to death in 2002 trying to imitate competitive eating during school lunch, no doubt trying to emulate his great hero Kobayashi, yet falling pitifully short.
On November 6, a 38-year-old woman choked to death after gorging on bread and barley noodles at a local fall festival.
Make way football, basketball, and baseball!! You so-called "athletes" practice stupid stunts that are of no use in the real world, have no firm basis in reality.
You have never calmly stared death in the face, certainly not in the form of 50+ frankfurters or hamburgers.
You don’t know what it feels to taunt death, make a mockery of it, and then, eat it.
(Nice, large boogers)
Badlands Booker - Hungry & Focused
"Top-ranked gurgitator Bandlands Booker has released Hungry & Focused, the first-ever rap album about competitive eating. Hungry & Focused features the hottest tracks on the circuit, including Ballad of Badlands, Sweet Science and All Day Buffet. Hoo-Ahhh!"
posted by KIMaster at
6:41 PM
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