KIMaster Fights McDojo Warrior

McDojo:

An American dojo where the instructors teach martial arts in an extraordinarily poor manner.

Remember all those cheesy American movies during the 80’s and early 90’s about "American Ninjas", "American Kickboxers", etc.? Some of them were pretty good, most were complete dog-shit, but what’s important to the story was what they inspired; a large number of dojos in various suburban areas where students, usually quite young, study the martial arts.

Unfortunately, like most teaching institutions in the US, the instruction is aimed at satisfying the clientele and giving them a positive opinion of themselves, and not imparting any real skill in the martial arts. Unlike the East, where the students follow and obey the master, the situation is reversed; the master follows and obeys the student.

Then again, "master" is a term I use loosely, because the instructors themselves are usually almost as bad as their students.

On the way to my local Safeway, there is a "Western Studios" dojo, the grand king of McDojos, and a favorite activity of myself and many of my friends was to come by on a Saturday and watch the students practice their mighty kung fu.

Here’s what I would see;

There were about 12 female students, no men, all 12 between the ages of 8-12 inclusive. They were all practicing kicks.

With kicks like that, their opponents wouldn’t even need to hit them.

I would hear numerous exclamations of "Oww!! That hurt!", or "teacher, can I please take a break? My leg really hurts." Not only are the kicks about as fast and powerful as shit coming out of Christopher Reeves’s ass, but the martial artists actually manage to injure themselves in the process. As Pai Mei from Kill Bill Vol.2 would say, "it’s not your enemy that should be scared of your kicks, it’s you who should be scared of your own kicks."

Speaking of Pai Mei, let’s now turn to their brilliant instructor, whose former job was probably side show freak. He resembles a gnome out of a fairy tale. He is about 4 feet 6 inches tall, weighs 400 pounds, is bald, ugly, hairy, and has a beard that extends down to about his waist.
He can just barely move.

His instruction consists of standing against the wall, yawning, and occasionally scratching himself in various places, most notably his crotch. He ogles the girls, with his eyes gazing hungrily at their pre-adolescent bodies. At times, he will take a bite out of his burrito and sip his Coke.

Suffice to say, my friends and I have cracked up with laughter many, many times at this scene.

Now, I’m sure someone will say,

"but KIMaster, what about the male students, those who are strong and athletic and are black belts??"

Well, to this I would reply that McDojos greatly harm their fighting ability, as I would have a much harder time beating someone who, screaming and pouting wildly, would run at me trying to scratch my eyes out, than someone schooled in McDojo combat.

I once had a fight against an Asian male who was a practitioner of McDojo martial arts, a "McDojo warrior". He was about 5’10" and about 125 pounds, which was about average back in tenth grade, when the fight took place.

"Okay, you motherfucker, I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you!! I have a black belt from Western studios!!!" he let out with a lusty roar.

I almost couldn’t believe it at first; this guy really wanted to fight me?? Not taking him very seriously, I decided to let him make the first move. He started out by trying to kick me in the legs, but he took a few seconds to wind up, and his technique was awful, allowing me to easily evade all of his attempts. Directly facing me, he put his left leg behind my left leg, evidently trying to push me back and make me fall, a very well-known judo move.

When this move is taught, they usually tell you two things;

Make sure that you are at least as heavy and as strong as your opponent. Get a good, tight grip on the person’s shirt before you seek to push him.

However, seeing as his hands were by his sides, about a foot away from me, and that I was 6’ 4" and 175 pounds, neither of these conditions were met.

I merely stepped forward and pushed him in the chest, causing him to fall backwards onto the asphalt, wincing in pain. At this point, I thought the "fight" was over, and turned to leave. However, my opponent wasn’t done yet. He got up, and let out a primal scream,

"You fucking piece of shit, I’m going to fuck you up so bad!!!!"

He ran towards me, but with his hands down at his sides, I took him by the shirt collar and slapped him with an open hand across the face. (I will only punch an opponent if I take him as a serious match. I don’t want to get in trouble for hurting a guy very badly, and will only do so if I feel he could potentially hurt me.)

After that, I pushed him back again by the shirt collar, and he almost fell down a second time.
However, at that moment, I saw a light flicker in his eyes.

In American martial arts movies, when the protagonist has just been beaten badly by the antagonist, but refuses to give up and then rises up to defeat him, you see the exact same light flicker on during the crucial moment.

So, with the same heart and determination that the Karate Kid showed in defeating his evil adversary, the Asian McDojo warrior made his move.

He delivered a high, swooping round house kick to my left ribs.

Unfortunately, it never made it.

I took a step back and caught his foot, then took several steps back, while raising his foot even higher. When he lost balance and was just starting to fall, I suddenly thrust his leg down and forward, into the rest of his body. I slammed his body to the ground, this time much harder than the first. I then gave him a kick to his kidney region as a farewell, and then left.

When someone tells you that they have a black belt from a McDojo, don’t interpret this as a sign of strength; interpret this as a sign of great weakness.