Boss Encourages Lesbian Sex with Gorilla

Women sue over gorilla's breast 'fetish'By MAY WONG Associated Press writer Posted

February 21 2005 WOODSIDE, Calif. --

Two fired caretakers for Koko, the world-famous sign-language-speaking gorilla, have sued their former bosses, claiming they were pressured to expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the 300-pound simian.

Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller, both of San Francisco, claim they were subjected to sexual discrimination and then wrongfully terminated after reporting health and safety violations at Koko's home in Woodside, an upscale town in the south San Francisco Bay area.

The lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation and its president, Francine "Penny" Patterson, the longtime trainer of the well-known gorilla, was filed this week in San Mateo County Superior Court.

It seeks damages totaling more than $1 million.Foundation attorney Todd Roberts said the case mischaracterizes the foundation and turns a "purported employment issue" into publicity "hurtful" for a reputable organization.

"We unequivocally deny these allegations and are confident that this case lacks merit," Roberts said.Alperin and Keller were hired last year and were among 16 employees of the foundation, which was founded in 1976 to promote the preservation and study of gorillas. It is best known for Koko, who has mastered a vocabulary of more than 1,000 signs; the foundation says she has advanced further in language than any other non-human.

The suit claims Patterson pressured the two women on several occasions to expose their breasts to Koko, a 33-year-old female -- sometimes in situations where other employees could potentially view their bodies.

The women never undressed, said their attorney, Stephen Sommers of San Francisco.They were threatened that if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish, their employment with the Gorilla Foundation would suffer," the lawsuit alleged.

The lawsuit claims that on one occasion Patterson said, "'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples.'"In addition to the alleged harassment, the two former workers claimed the Woodside facility had unsanitary and unsafe conditions, including rodents in the food preparation area and gorilla urine stored in the refrigerator where workers kept their lunches.

They complained to the California Division of Occupational Safety and Health and were fired on Aug. 6, the day after inspectors visited the site and found code violations, according to the lawsuit.The lawsuit also claims the nonprofit failed to pay for overtime and provide rest breaks.

Learning about the Environment

"E-HE-HA!!!!!!"

The foul sound of a female goat being double penetrated in the ass by horse-cocks woke me up from my mild daze in Environmental Science class.

No, I was mistaken; just another ass-hat with her vile and disruptive laugh.

Over the objections of both my parents and several of my friends, I decided to take an Environmental Science this school year. My rationale was that the teacher is a friendly, reasonable guy, and the course-load is easy.

At this point, I can say that my predictions of both my teacher and the course subject were correct.

However, I failed to take into account another variable.

Namely, the students.

If you were to create a class of the most annoying people in our class, (no, our entire school) it would be better than this, since a few of them might actually be intelligent. Not so with this class.
Moreover, their interactions with each over make them more vile and annoying than they would be otherwise.

A typical lab day;

SR: "Mr.X, I need to go get some plants to put in my eco-project."

Mr.X: "Alright S, then why didn’t you get some yesterday like I told you to for homework?"
With a blank, wide-eyed expression on her face, like someone seeing gold coins dropping from the sky, she replies,

"Ehhhhhh……."

Suddenly, a light bulb flickers on;

SR: "AHA! I have a brilliant idea!" as she runs out of the room.

She-Goat (SG), her partner: "E-HE-HA!!!!"

EM, another one of her partners: "Come back soon S, I have something funny to show you…" as he places a Bunsen burner apparatus on his crotch, creating the hilarious sight of a large "cock".

AC, the president of NHS at our school: "Oh shit…."

KIMaster (me): "Uh A, why did you just lick your shirt??"

AC: "Well you see, my tongue had some crap on it, but I didn’t want to get it off with my fingers, so I just licked my shirt to get it off."

The new Einstein repeats the procedure.

"See?"

Meanwhile, two top-ranked scholastic debaters, both 18-year old Chinese girls, are having a very stimulating intellectual conversation;

G1: "Like OMG, WTF??!! My parents didn’t let me watch a movie last night!!"

G2: "LOL! LOL! No, JK. What movie was it??

G1: " "A Shark’s Tale"!! OMG! I wanted to watch that movie for sooooooo long! But my parents wouldn’t let me! GRrrrrr…."

G2: "Oh yeah, I want to watch that sooo much as well, LOL! Oh, do you know, Bush is a complete faggot??"

G1: "Yeah, obviously; I’m voting for Kerry in these elections."

G2: "LOL yeah! Me too."

(Just for reference, they did in fact say "OMG", and not "Oh my god")

SR comes back, with a clump of plant and soil in her hands, just recently dug up from the ground. She has a huge smile on her face.

SR: "Ha ha, I just took this plant from the school garden, and I’ll use it in my project."

Mr.X: "S, please put that back in the school garden."

SR: "But Mr.X….." she wails in a broken voice.

"Put it back"

SR leaves again.

SG: "E-HE-HA!!! SR is sooo smart! E-HE-HA!!"

KIMaster: "How the fuck is that "smart"?? Not only did she fail to do a simple piece of homework, not only did she kill a plant and wreck a garden, but she also bragged about it so that the teacher found out, and had her put it back anyway. Yeah…. real fucking smart."

SG: "OK Vlad…." she says, the first time I can recall in a few weeks she hasn’t uttered her goat-orgasm…..

SG: "……E-HE-HA!!!!!"

Goddamn it!

I look across the other side of the room, and see two Koreans "pissing" on each other. They have two large pipets filled with water which they hold by their crotches and squeeze in order to spray onto each other. Their sprays at aimed at the other’s private parts. They giggle like little school-girls.

DE: "Holy shit! You got me all over the ass."

KS: "Take that bitch! You got fucking powned!"

DE turns around to reveal a huge wet spot on his ass, with his underwear showing through his soaked pants.

SG: "E-HE-HA!! E-HE-HA!!! E-HE-HA!!!!"

Mr.X: "Alright class, we still have another half-hour to go, continue working, no horse-play."

I must be in hell.

Baking Cookies with a Thank You Letter is a Serious Crime

A US judge has ordered two teenage girls to pay about $US900 ($1,168) for the distress a neighbour said they caused by giving her home-made cookies adorned with paper hearts.

The Colorado pair were ordered to pay $US871.70 plus $US39 in court costs after neighbour Wanita Renea Young, 49, filed a lawsuit complaining that the unsolicited cookies, left at her house after the girls knocked on her door, had triggered an anxiety attack that sent her to the hospital the next day.

Taylor Ostergaard, then 17, and Lindsey Jo Zellitte, 18, paid the judgment on Thursday after a small claims court ruling by La Plata County Court Judge Doug Walker, a court clerk said on Friday.

The girls baked cookies as a surprise for several of their rural Colorado neighbours on July 31 and dropped off small batches on their porches, accompanied by red or pink paper hearts and the message: "Have a great night."

The Denver Post newspaper reported on Friday that the girls had decided to stay home and bake the cookies rather than go to a dance where there might be cursing and drinking.

It reported that six neighbours wrote thank you letters entered as evidence in the case thanking the girls for the cookies.

Ms Young said she was frightened because the two had knocked on her door at about 10:30pm and run off after leaving the cookies.She went to a hospital emergency room the next day, fearing that she had suffered a heart attack, court records said.The judge awarded Ms Young her medical costs, but did not award punitive damages.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200502/s1296548.htm

Greatest News Stories Ever, Part 1

Cities and towns across America held parades to honor veterans.

In Whitman, Mass., however, the parade turned tragic when a World War II veteran was killed in an accident.

Witnesses said William Hammond was lining up with fellow veterans at the start of the parade route when a van backed over him.

The van was driven by a close friend of Hammond. He was taken to a hospital to be treated for emotional distress.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6461366/?GT1=5809

The Worst Zombie Film Ever

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086486/

"Oasis of Zombies"

Not quite sure what type of zombie film to make? Completely confused about how to incorporate zombies into a fresh, original plot and setting??

Are you a complete dumbass??

Make a film about Nazi zombies.

That's right; former Nazi soldiers who come to life fifty years later in an abandoned African oasis.

To distinguish these hardcore creatures from the common, run-of-the-mill zombie, feature them wearing army helmets!

TERRIFYING!

This film consists chiefly of two sequences, repeated over and over again ad naseum:

1. Naked woman has sex.
2. In the middle of the lustful pleasure, evil Nazi zombies start attacking/eating her.

Then, a few minutes later, she escapes with only mild bite marks. Undeterred, she starts having sex again.

I also learned a valuable lesson from this film. Shooting zombies is completely useless. Meanwhile, throwing a cigarette lighter at one Nazizombie will cause all the zombies within a 100 yard radius to burst into flames and die.

Memorable scene: The zombies are a few steps away from the heroes, about to kill them. They are advancing. Scary classical music is playing. The male heroes’ eyes are brimmed with horror. The camera cuts back and forth between the hideous, disfigured visiges of the undead. They are advancing. Closer. And closer. And closer. And…..

……Twenty minutes and much jerky camera motion later, they haven't moved a foot. The hero then throws a lighter and they all die. These are the same undead that outran a truck earlier in the film.

Then again, that truck carried a naked lady in it.

The Ultimate Fighter

Reality shows are bullshit. Fortunately, I've never had the displeasure of watching most of them.

Those that I have made me wish I had spent the time crashing my head into a wall. Less brain cells would have been lost.

Except, of course, for "The Ultimate Fighter".

Background: Sixteen budding middleweights and light heavyweights fight for a chance to win a contract in the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). The UFC is an organization featuring fighters from across the globe that engage in mixed martial arts combat inside the famous "Octagon".

All the fighters are divided between two teams, one coached by UFC light heavyweight champion Randy Coutore, and the other by equally celebrated Chuck Lidell. All participants live, eat, and sleep inside the same house.

At the end of the show, two men fight. The loser is eliminated.

What is so entertaining about this show? Usually, it's the fights themselves. Drunk hobos living in the gutters would beat most "Ultimate Fighter" participants. Throwing a punch, executing a basic takedown, or performing anything involving the legs are all foreign concepts to the contestants.

They fight like female drug addicts.

Roars of laughter can be heard whenever my father and I view this program.

Of course, there are exceptions. Diego Sanchez, a middleweight, seems to possess certain basic fighting abilities.

He has fought twice so far. Each fight lasted under a minute. Ringside doctors were concerned both times.

Then again, there is a human element to this drama. Whether it be stealing clothes from team members, punching down the doors of the house in raging hysterics, getting hopelessy wasted, or insulting each other, these guys have it covered.

This show makes up for the $5 I once pitched in for the Chuck Lidell-Tito Ortiz PPV.

Almost.

The Drunk Reviewer

A week ago, I consumed more than was legal or good for me at a party. Upon arriving home at 1:15 am, I felt bored.

I decided to write Yahoo! movie reviews.

Afterwards, I logged into my alternate accounts to rank the reviews as "helpful". Thanks to this, my expert opinions were the first ones viewers saw when they clicked on "Yahoo! User reviews".

Here's an approximation of what I wrote;

KIMasteronHostage

Comparing "Hostage" to a classic action film like "Die Hard" is like comparing the fighting prowess of Jet Li to that of a six-year old quadriplegic.

Speaking of quadrieplegics, watching the film was about as entertaining as three of them fighting. Or shitting themselves for that matter.

Films this horrid can ruin thirty-year marriages, cause insanity, internal hemorrhaging, and death. Avoid this film like you would prostate cancer.

KIMasteronRobots

Sick perverts.

That is the only description I can offer regarding legally sane adults that watch this film.

Is it the cleverly subtle ass, sex, and shitting jokes that get them off? Is it watching a hairless midget with chopped off breasts pretend to be a sexy she-robot in an animated cartoon?

No one can be certain about perverts.

If you are one of the sick adult fucks reading this, I hope you suffer the fate of Randle McMurphy in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".

For an entire day, these reviews were on the front page.

Then, they were deleted and I received a stern warning from Yahoo! in one of my e-mail accounts.

Picture Site

I have created one of the previously mentioned sites, which will henceforth contain any and all funny pictures I come across. Enjoy.

KIMaster Fights McDojo Warrior

McDojo:

An American dojo where the instructors teach martial arts in an extraordinarily poor manner.

Remember all those cheesy American movies during the 80’s and early 90’s about "American Ninjas", "American Kickboxers", etc.? Some of them were pretty good, most were complete dog-shit, but what’s important to the story was what they inspired; a large number of dojos in various suburban areas where students, usually quite young, study the martial arts.

Unfortunately, like most teaching institutions in the US, the instruction is aimed at satisfying the clientele and giving them a positive opinion of themselves, and not imparting any real skill in the martial arts. Unlike the East, where the students follow and obey the master, the situation is reversed; the master follows and obeys the student.

Then again, "master" is a term I use loosely, because the instructors themselves are usually almost as bad as their students.

On the way to my local Safeway, there is a "Western Studios" dojo, the grand king of McDojos, and a favorite activity of myself and many of my friends was to come by on a Saturday and watch the students practice their mighty kung fu.

Here’s what I would see;

There were about 12 female students, no men, all 12 between the ages of 8-12 inclusive. They were all practicing kicks.

With kicks like that, their opponents wouldn’t even need to hit them.

I would hear numerous exclamations of "Oww!! That hurt!", or "teacher, can I please take a break? My leg really hurts." Not only are the kicks about as fast and powerful as shit coming out of Christopher Reeves’s ass, but the martial artists actually manage to injure themselves in the process. As Pai Mei from Kill Bill Vol.2 would say, "it’s not your enemy that should be scared of your kicks, it’s you who should be scared of your own kicks."

Speaking of Pai Mei, let’s now turn to their brilliant instructor, whose former job was probably side show freak. He resembles a gnome out of a fairy tale. He is about 4 feet 6 inches tall, weighs 400 pounds, is bald, ugly, hairy, and has a beard that extends down to about his waist.
He can just barely move.

His instruction consists of standing against the wall, yawning, and occasionally scratching himself in various places, most notably his crotch. He ogles the girls, with his eyes gazing hungrily at their pre-adolescent bodies. At times, he will take a bite out of his burrito and sip his Coke.

Suffice to say, my friends and I have cracked up with laughter many, many times at this scene.

Now, I’m sure someone will say,

"but KIMaster, what about the male students, those who are strong and athletic and are black belts??"

Well, to this I would reply that McDojos greatly harm their fighting ability, as I would have a much harder time beating someone who, screaming and pouting wildly, would run at me trying to scratch my eyes out, than someone schooled in McDojo combat.

I once had a fight against an Asian male who was a practitioner of McDojo martial arts, a "McDojo warrior". He was about 5’10" and about 125 pounds, which was about average back in tenth grade, when the fight took place.

"Okay, you motherfucker, I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you!! I have a black belt from Western studios!!!" he let out with a lusty roar.

I almost couldn’t believe it at first; this guy really wanted to fight me?? Not taking him very seriously, I decided to let him make the first move. He started out by trying to kick me in the legs, but he took a few seconds to wind up, and his technique was awful, allowing me to easily evade all of his attempts. Directly facing me, he put his left leg behind my left leg, evidently trying to push me back and make me fall, a very well-known judo move.

When this move is taught, they usually tell you two things;

Make sure that you are at least as heavy and as strong as your opponent. Get a good, tight grip on the person’s shirt before you seek to push him.

However, seeing as his hands were by his sides, about a foot away from me, and that I was 6’ 4" and 175 pounds, neither of these conditions were met.

I merely stepped forward and pushed him in the chest, causing him to fall backwards onto the asphalt, wincing in pain. At this point, I thought the "fight" was over, and turned to leave. However, my opponent wasn’t done yet. He got up, and let out a primal scream,

"You fucking piece of shit, I’m going to fuck you up so bad!!!!"

He ran towards me, but with his hands down at his sides, I took him by the shirt collar and slapped him with an open hand across the face. (I will only punch an opponent if I take him as a serious match. I don’t want to get in trouble for hurting a guy very badly, and will only do so if I feel he could potentially hurt me.)

After that, I pushed him back again by the shirt collar, and he almost fell down a second time.
However, at that moment, I saw a light flicker in his eyes.

In American martial arts movies, when the protagonist has just been beaten badly by the antagonist, but refuses to give up and then rises up to defeat him, you see the exact same light flicker on during the crucial moment.

So, with the same heart and determination that the Karate Kid showed in defeating his evil adversary, the Asian McDojo warrior made his move.

He delivered a high, swooping round house kick to my left ribs.

Unfortunately, it never made it.

I took a step back and caught his foot, then took several steps back, while raising his foot even higher. When he lost balance and was just starting to fall, I suddenly thrust his leg down and forward, into the rest of his body. I slammed his body to the ground, this time much harder than the first. I then gave him a kick to his kidney region as a farewell, and then left.

When someone tells you that they have a black belt from a McDojo, don’t interpret this as a sign of strength; interpret this as a sign of great weakness.

Updates

I'll create several new blogger sites in the next week, which will be placed among the links. They will kick ass.